For bipolar people, compulsive behaviors can become a standard part of life.
Overspending, promiscuity, binge drinking–these are all common occurrences during periods of mania. For me, my choice of compulsive behavior has been overeating. Pizza binges, an endless sea of breakfast foods, boxes and boxes of snack cakes. These are the things I often to turn to in times of high stress, or when I’m elated, or on some weird high which I just can’t seem to come down from. Of course there’s the occasional binge drinking (a couple months ago I had one straight week of this) but I don’t really drink like I used to and food seems to offer a more normal, seemingly safe kind of comfort. However, there are times when I get bored with the whole binge eating thing and I even feel too weak or lazy to go through with all the trouble of getting drunk so I have to find something new I can obsessively do in one burst, no matter how short or long, which up until recently were frequent trips to adult theaters around the city.
You see, I’ve always enjoyed ‘homemade’ and swingers porn more than any other porn because the people in the videos seem attainable to me, like I could maybe be a part of their sex lives one day. As I was delving deeper into this category I found myself floating through the specific niche of watching wives in adult theaters taking on as many men as possible. The seediness of the whole thing was appealing to me. The faces of anonymous men caught in low light, the wife being cheered on or directed by her husband, the literal filth of a dilapidated theater, the idea of a free-for-all sexual spectacle–these were all enough to fuel any masturbatory rage. Eventually I decided I wanted to actually be part of this free for all. On nights when I had nothing else to do I would find myself driving around Las Vegas visiting every adult bookstore that has a theater connected to it hoping that I would end up in the right place at the right time and find a swinger couple to play with. Usually, I would sit in theaters for a couple hours at a time, politely declining the advances of gay men and realizing that I had just wasted ten dollars. Ten dollars doesn’t seem like a lot for access to an adult theater but it does start to add up when you’re going to three or four theaters a week. After a while of no success I just gave up. But then Craigslist came along.
One night I was perusing the casual encounters section when I saw an ad from a couple that was visiting town. They were planning on visiting the swinger clubs here in town but first wanted to hit up an adult theater. I shot them an email and after a small report we agreed to meet at the Déjà Vu Adult Emporium on Industrial Rd at 9 that evening.
There are three rooms in the theater at Déjà Vu and I told the couple I would meet them in the small room you see right off to the left side when you first enter. I sat down and almost immediately after two other men entered the room. I initially assumed they were more gay men who were going to hit on me. After about fifteen minutes I heard the door buzz and then the unmistakable clicking of spiked heels. The couple walked into the room and the wife was sexier than I expected. She was dressed in purple leopard print tights and a pink top. Her thighs and ass were thick and she had cropped blond hair and wore glasses. They sat down in the same row as me but at the opposite end. My phone buzzed. “We’re here,” the email read. I went and sat next to the husband. We shook hands and then a man sitting in a row in front of us turned around and said, “Hey. I’m Steve. How’s it going?” Another man got up and walked over but didn’t introduce himself. He just said to the husband, “Those were some pictures you sent.”
The husband pulled out his cock, which was huge, and his wife began to stroke it. I looked over at her, making eye contact. We both smiled before she took her husband in her mouth.
“Don’t be afraid to go and play with her.”
I got up and stood in front of the wife. She took off her heels and tights and spread her legs, inviting me to reach down and finger her. After a few minutes of grabbing and groping her body and having her jerk me off I stepped aside to let Steve and the other guy have their turns. They felt her up but seemed shy. Neither of them could get fully hard and it didn’t seem like they were going to try to fuck her so I stepped up again. Logistically it just wasn’t working though. She was too short to find the right position and the chairs were too stiff and uncomfortable. Her husband decided we should just all jerk off onto her pussy and call it a night. The nameless guy went first, blowing a huge load and then leaving immediately. I went next and was tempted to stick it in when I saw how much cum was covering her pussy but I knew better. Steve misheard what the husband had originally said and ended up coming on the floor.
The wife cleaned herself up with some Wet Ones and put her tights and heels back on. The four of us talked for a little bit about adult theater and swinger club etiquette and how they found a lot of men to be really rude at The Green Door. Steve wanted to linger around but I had to work in the morning so I was ready to go. I could tell the couple was ready to go too. I walked them out to where we both parked and we politely went our separate ways. I drove home satisfied that I had finally found what I had chased and desired for so long. I was done with adult theaters. I mean, at least I thought I was.
A few weeks later I was reading the Casual Encounters ads again. I wasn’t really trying to find anything; I just end up on Craigslist almost every day reading these particular personal ads. Apparently I sat down with my laptop at just the right time because one of the most recent ads in the MW4M section was posted by a husband who was planning on taking his wife to the same adult theater at Déjà vu Adult Emporium. The ad said not to reply but just to be there at six. He and his wife would be there for about forty-five minutes and in this time she would suck and jerk off as many men as possible. A certain excitement, one I hadn’t felt since those few weeks before, sparked inside of me. I looked at the clock and saw that I only had about an hour to be there. I quickly got ready and headed out. Once you get that first high you have no choice but to go out and chase the proverbial dragon.
I arrived to the theater a bit early and sat in the same room where I met the first couple. The door was constantly buzzing and more and more men were walking in. Knowing they must all be there because of the same ad I read I grew in excitement. Eventually, I saw a man and woman walk by the doorway where I was sitting. I got up and I and several other men followed them into the main room. The woman sat in a single chair and we all huddled in a tight circle around her. There had to be at least fifteen to twenty guys there.
There were no words spoken as we all took out our cocks and started jerking off and reached for her shirt and pulled out her tits. She was quick to start sucking cock and her husband, who looked strangely like Danny McBride, stood off to the side and directed her. I wanted to just watch at first so I waited until a few guys came before I stepped up to her. When I approached her side I heard her husband’s voice, “Over to your right.” She looked up at me as she took me in her mouth. I moved to the front of her and pushed her hands away. She held onto my thighs as I pushed her head up and down and roughly grabbed her tits. It didn’t take me long to come and I felt sort of embarrassed letting out all my grunts and moans in front of all the other guys. Danny McBride looked happy though.
As I stepped back and zipped up my pants a huge wave of existential depression washed over me. This is, of course, common for a man to experience after an orgasm but I thought it unusual in this context. The camaraderie between all the men was one of the most erotic aspects to me so thinking that I could maybe rekindle my initial excitement by staying and watching every last guy finish, I fought the urge to leave. I started to enjoy myself once more but then the existential depression came crashing again as I watched one of the last men come in the woman’s mouth. This man was old, maybe pushing seventy, and he had a long southern drawl that made him sound like he was probably from Louisiana. Through bouts of maniacal laughter he yelled out, “Come on! Who’s next?” There was something sinister in his eyes and I knew I didn’t want to become him. I wondered about who he was and what his life was like and if he had a family. With the southern accent and the mesh naval hat he was wearing he could have been my grandfather.
A few more guys came in and they all seemed a little confused by the southern guy yelling as we all stood around a woman with our cocks out. Only one more guy walked up to front to get sucked off before Danny McBride and his wife got up, thanked us all, and then left the theater. Pretty much the whole group followed. I rushed out to my car and felt even weirder as I pulled out of the parking lot. Maybe it was because it was still light out and sleazy stuff like this is only supposed to happen under the cover of night. Either way, I needed a drink, so I decided to drive over to my favorite bar downtown, the Gold Spike.
I sat there drinking my Dogfish Head and talking to one of my favorite bartenders about podcasting, and comedy, and metal. It was taking my mind off the day’s previous occurrences, but when he went to help another customer I looked around the mostly empty bar and I realized something—only two nights before I had been in this same bar hooking up with this beautiful, petite Mexican girl that I had met through a mutual friend. We had ditched our friends and stayed out all night, drunkenly making out in a car while the sun came up. There were some things that made me suspect she had a boyfriend and so I wasn’t too upset when she seemed a bit curt when I texted her the next day. But I thought about that random seemingly meaningless hook up in comparison to the meaningless hook up that had just happened. Even though that Mexican girl was most likely going to fall off the face of the earth, hooking up with her meant so much more. It took a whole night of us getting to know each other and letting the tension build to hook up. Even if she didn’t want to see me again, she did like me for that one night and I think that’s what counts — making that personal connection before a woman makes out with you and touches your penis. I originally thought she was just another part of my compulsive sexual behavior but after thinking about it I knew then that were fine lines between certain types of hookups and I didn’t have to be ashamed of everything sexual that I took part in. Some of those random, irrational, drunken, compulsive hookups weren’t so irrational or compulsive after all. It takes work, but finding the right person is possible.
You don’t have to be ashamed or regretful of those drunken nights at the bar. Sometimes that’s just one step in the process. But the things that aren’t going to fulfill you in the long run are those nights going to adult theaters, or swinger clubs, or desperately sifting though every casual encounter ad on Craigslist looking for some cheap thrill. Those nights, if you don’t get them in check or put them in perspective, leave you ending up like the 70 year old guy from Louisiana, whom I overheard talking about a few other adult theaters across the country. Sure, you can have an encyclopedic knowledge of these places and you can become fully immersed in the waters of the swinger community, but for me, after having only two of these experiences, I can already tell there’s probably not a lot of happiness in that.